Friday, May 3, 2013

The Diary of a (allegedly) Starved Puppy

This is Tess speaking.

I need to bring something to your attention - I thought I had solved my hunger problem, but as of this morning I've been put back on the starvation plan.   

She (whom you know as Mel) caught onto my strategy - I was soliciting meals from both her AND Matt.  For at least a week!

I was totally getting away with it.  She had no clue! Going into my kennel and begging for my meals at the appropriate times, unscrewing the food on the dog lid (and getting screeched at by the bird) and going through extraordinary lengths for the single piece of kibble beneath the treadmill.........No one knew (but me!) that I was being fed at 4am when Matt got up, and again at 6am when She got up!  Same for dinner. 

Isn't it wonderful when 2 people that live together have such weird schedules they barely communicate about such mundane things as who is feeding the Tess? 

Then, 2 days ago, I got busted.......First there was forced cuddle time on the couch and She noticed my collar was too tight.  And then....horror of horrors she flipped me over for a nail trim and accused me of having fat pads on my stomach.  And then, this morning while walking to school She commented on my lack of waist and hourglass figure. 

Ummmm.....look who's talking! Yesterday I personally observed Her hopping around her bedroom while attempting to pull jeans on that fit last year that has *mysteriously* "shrunk".  Oh yes, who's getting pudgy around the middle????  Remove the plank for your own eye before looking at me! 

And the fact I collapse in the shade, panting on hot afternoons when running around?  Has nothing to do with this errr....."extra" layer.

Ominously She had a conversation with Matt, and today, I only got 1 breakfast this morning.  And She has said things like "You can't be trusted".  WHAT?  I am the epinamy of trust!  You can trust that I'm always hungry.  Always. 

Speaking of ominous, apparently there is some sort of cummulative 2 year test coming up and She keeps saying things like "practice blood draws" and "but, she's a white dog and stains!".  Doesn't sound good.  I would like to remind her the last time she drew blood it went like this.
Melinda: You really need to pin her down.

4th year student restraining me: Got her

Mel: She's really athletic

4th yr: don't  worry!  :)

Mel sticks the needle a fraction of the way into my leg and I scream and procede to levitate myself towards the ceiling.

Mel and the 4th year proceed to scrape puppy off the ceiling

Mel: do you got her?

4th year: (teeth gritted) Yes......

Mel proceeds to uneventfully draw blood.

And don't forget the time She tried to give me my first set of puppy shots.  She jabs me in the neck and I arc and scream like no puppy has before.  She, completely freaked out enlists Matt to help, who upon seeing a streak of red blood on my coat from an itty bitty capillary threatens to pass out as he restrains and She attempts to rejab me with that needle again. 

In conclusion, I would like to point out that there is at least one other dog in the house that is fat dumb and happy (and also a golden color, if you need more of a hint), who probably wouldn't notice if you stuck a thousand needles in him.  ( FAT, dumb, and happy.....why is he allowed to be fat and I'm not?)